According to a news story I just read, boomers are apparently the new favored children when it comes to divorce these days. Their break up rates have more than doubled over the last decade and researchers expect that percentage to increase. Right now one out of 4 divorces is a couple over 50. To some extent, that’s surprising information. After-all, you’d think that after so many years of understanding each other’s hot buttons and living through the early career days and the challenges of raising children that it would now be time to rediscover the reasons you fell in love in the first place.
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From a different angle I think it’s cause for celebration. Looking at it through a woman’s eyes (why not?), we are not the women our mothers were. Societal expectations are, thankfully, different. Career opportunities have expanded over the years for women and a lot of us are financially independent and independently minded. We’re not looking for men to “take care of us,” but instead, to be friends with us. Confidantes. Lovers. Sounding boards. And if that’s not working anymore, then it’s time to move on.
My parents separated when I was 15 and it was a subject not discussed outside the house. It was taboo then and it made me feel like our family was the pariah of the neighborhood. I adopted other families to hang around and fantasize about what a happy family would actually feel like.
One particular favorite couple was my girlfriend’s parents. After synagogue on Friday night we’d walk back to their house to commence a weekend filled with family activity. I loved her parents; her father was always flirting with her mother and it seemed to me like he adored the pants off her — literally. We all read books together in the evening and her parents would engage in actual conversation about those books and even current events of the day. 
Many years later when my girlfriend and I were grown and catching up over breakfast one day she said that her mother had “finally divorced her father.” I was stunned silent, left with a gaping mouth full of bagel and cream cheese. Shock soon gave way to deep sadness. WHAT?? My heroes? My role models? What happened? She laughed and said that the “lovey dovey act” was for my benefit and her mother would role play until I went home on Sunday afternoon. That for years they weren’t getting along and that she’d finally found the courage to say no more. My friend knew I’d be in shock, but it was time I found out.
That moment marked my rude awakening to the realization that people stayed together for the kids and endured the misery of their lives together until it could be changed. And it was also the moment I was grateful for my mother’s personal truth of “no more. This isn’t what I want and so I’m moving on.”
Coming from a broken home I can tell you that it does no favor to the children to live amidst vicious fighting and cold body language. My parents rarely demonstrated physical affection or pleasure about being in each other’s company. There was no warm sense of family in our family. And it certainly taught me at a tender age that marriage was not aspirational.
Somewhat surprisingly, I am married and have pets for children. We were together 8 years before tying the knot and now married for 26, but I can tell you that if it ever stops working for an extended period of time, neither of us would be interested in staying put. That’s not to say that marriage isn’t worth working at. It is and a healthy union requires a lot of work. From both parties. But there’s no doubt that I’d rather make it alone and enjoy friends, than suffer through a dead marriage.
So I say kudos to those boomers who find the courage to move on when it’s necessary. There are much worse things in life than staying married to the wrong person.
What say you about marriage?
actthreedotnet 
I could not agree more—marriage is not aspirational. I was relieved when my parents divorced because it was like walking on eggshells in our home. There is nothing worse than being in a marriage and feeling like you are on an island unto yourself. I am trying to raise my son to recognize that women are equals and there has to be a deep connection and friendship to make it worthwhile.
My sister is 41 and has never been married. She is pretty, educated, opinionated, and not willing to settle.
It takes a lot of courage to strike out on your own but when you leave your comfort zone a funny thing happens: you actually experience personal growth.
If you’re interested in this topic, I suggest reading The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kigma. She explores the evolution of marriage and how it has changed over time.
Love that Kelly!
I got a divorce after 36 years of abuse; I didn’t have a name for what was happening to me (verbal abuse); it took a book: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans to save my mind and life and I am not the moderator of an abused survivors’ group. I believe we are here to make a difference, and I am determined to do that.
I wrote about my life of overcoming and being a wounded healer and won a scholarship. I am freshman in college at age 65! Sanctuary of the Soul is my book (www.soulpoetry.org) which is endorsed (so humbling) by Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller,, Larry Dossey, Oriah (14 in all).
It is my intention to appear on National Television to speak about verbal and physical abuse; the statistics are staggering: 1 in 3 women on the planet living behind closed doors in silence, fear and shame. I would like to have a program on OWN entitled: The Silent Scream…feel free to contact me: carleton@oakland.edu
Smiles, Alilce (over comer and wounded healer)
http://www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com…..what happened when I got the divorce; church voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words, “Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God.”
I just watched a documentary on OWN: “Crime After Crime,” the story of a woman’s 27 year imprisonment on the conviction of killing her abuser husband. Problem is she never killed him and only wanted him to stop beating her and pimping her out. It was her mother who arranged for the local gang to “stop him” never asking questions about how that would happen. The woman should have been convicted of manslaughter, at best, to serve a maximum of 6 years in prison. The documentary showed the corruption of the LA prosecutors’ office and their years of covering up information to keep her in prison. Evidently, of the 120,000 women incarcerated in the U.S. 80% are there for murder of abusive partners. Heartbreaking.
Best wishes to you Alice kudos for your courage!
This is the 3rd marriage for me and my husband both. We joke that in California, with its “3 strikes law”, that makes it a life sentence. We also have told each other, in all honesty, that if we lost each other due to death or divorce, we’d never remarry, because with our history, we lack the energy to delve into another person’s history to that extent.
I hope I never have to test that theory; after 2 failed attempts, I found the man I was meant to be with for all my life. He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I just hope I can give him as much as he gives me. I found him when I was 41.
My parents stayed married for 50 years. My mother was never really happy with my dad but he tolerated that from her. I have a multitude of answers as to why they stayed together. I determined not to carry on this “war between men and women” and have worked to bring peace into my relationship with my husband. After 32 years of marriage and two children, I don’t see us joining the divorce statistic. I agree with you Joyce that if you are not getting what you need from your marriage, let it go. Be willing to look for the life you want. And I am very glad that I get what I need and much of what I want. I try to give what my husband needs and wants as well. That is what friends are for.
Boomer here, but might hard to figure that one out from my blog. 😀 My partner is divorced with 2 now grown children.
He and I have been together for nearly 20 yrs. but not formally married. For this to happen well, it is important that each partner knows their assets and rights. Crude, but reality since he had a divorce settlement and I wanted no part of covering for another’s divorce. And also for my own future..he is a few years older so I have to plan my future properly long term. It’s easier if a person fell in love in their 30’s, not in their early 20’s.
With that aside, it is proof to ourselves that the emphasis needs to be on respect, love, fidelity, trust and learning to grow /support each other. A 2nd blog of mine reflects part of this joint partnership: he and I blog under our own names @ http://thirdwavecyclingblog.wordpress.com