My neighbor was walking the neighborhood this morning with her grown daughter, deep in conversation as they passed by Pogo and me. We share the daily ritual most days – usually my neighbor is with her husband and dog. On weekends her daughter joins her. It seems they use the time to catch up on intimacies from the past week as they lead their independent lives.
“A mother’s treasure is her daughter. “~ Catherine Pulsifer
Watching that close repartee sparked a yearning for the same. I miss that kind of friendship between mother and daughter, a relationship I never actually experienced. I’m not sure how you can miss what you never really had, but somehow I do.
“The mother-daughter relationship is the most complex.” ~Wynonna Judd
My mother was my biggest supporter as a child; she schlepped me to one audition after another as I chased my dream of being on stage. And after each rejection she comforted my heartbreak by telling me that someday she just knew my time would come. Just persevere.
And when my heart was breaking from a boy I loved who wouldn’t be mine, it was my mother who helped me recognize that life wasn’t over. And it was also she who comforted the boys that loved me but weren’t able to win my heart. She counseled them on the phone and encouraged them to move on.
It was also my mother, and only my mother, who came to my piano recitals, choir performances, plays (as a chorus member), and later – talent shows and performances at college. She rooted for me in everything I did and felt that I could hang the moon if I wanted to.
“1 mother + 1 daughter = 2 best friends” author unknown
But she was never my friend. As I grew older we continued to talk, but we grew farther apart never really learning much about what makes the other tick. She was consumed with her frustrations and I with a need to offer her ways out of them, though she never heeded any of my suggestions. She was not a mother who pulled her children close to her, in fact, she looked forward to the days when we’d be out on our own and she could fly solo again.
I have a few women friends who adore their mothers, respect and admire them and spend as much time with them as possible. I’ve always envied them; I wish I’d known that closeness.
What’s your relationship like with your mother? And how has it changed over the years?
actthreedotnet 
My mother has been dead for eleven years. I love her most for listening to my diatribes against almost everything during my early teenage years and for teaching me to read. She was my mother more than my friend but I am happy we were both. In the end I became the parent as she drifted away after the death of my sister and her own battle with colon cancer. I was always her main confidant when it came to her problems with my dad. My need to love both my parents often meant I had to keep some emotional distance. I was her fourth child in eight years and the first daughter. I grew up with all the expectations a mother has for a first girl and very little of her time. Still, she was who she was and she did the best she could. She had a wonderful, caring smile and that is how I like to remember her.
I am the aging mother now and i hope my daughter will think as well of me. We are friends but I think we are mother and daughter first. I am careful not to repeat the same mistakes I felt my mother made and I am sure she will have her own view of my successes and failures as a mother. Our friendship keeps growing and that is where my remaining efforts will go.
Jo, my mother has been dead for 15 years and during that time I’ve come to much peace about her memory. She’s very much a part of who I am today, the good and the not so good. Rick and I made the decision to have no children – and I sometimes wonder how life would be different today had we decided differently.
You certainly leave a great deal of room for thought in your personal narrative about your mother, Joyce. Since we actually have personal experience with each others mothers this makes the food for thought even more interesting. As a result of being very distant from my mother all of my life until age 52 when my mother was dying of cancer and all of a sudden decided that I was her ray of sunshine and the only person she wanted to see, it was important to me that I have a close relationship with both of my daughters, now 23 and 26. For fear of them feeling isolated, alone and unloved as I was, I overindulged with them, trying to protect them from any small mishaps in life. I was always one step ahead, guarding them from life’s disappointments. I am happy to report that today, as they have grown into mature adults and I have as well, after many years of professional guidance on my part, that my relationship with my daughters is one of a healthy, close nature. No longer do I protect them from life’s disappointments but rather lend a listening ear when needed. I am very lucky to experience a loving and caring bonding with two beautiful girls.
Marianne, I’m acutely aware of your feelings about your mother – in fact we used to talk about it during our college years when I’d accompany you to their house for Sunday dinners. As you know – I really enjoyed your mother, had respect and admiration for her independence. And I love that you parlayed your feelings into being a very different mother for your girls. It’s almost as though you offered her a second chance vicariously through you.
Love your thought-that I gave my mother a second chance by living vicariously through me. I very much agree with that idea and appreciate your insightful thought by bringing that to light. And by the way, once again you always find the positive!
My feelings about the same Mother as Joyce is very different. I never felt a need for her to be any thing other than what she was. For me, the last of 4 daughters in the house I always felt like an only child since my sisters were so much older than me and had all moved out by the time I was 11. My Mother had a volatile temper and I knew how to bring out her softer side and did it often. I always felt completely loved and supported by her and she gave me all the trusting freedoms that a teenage, boy crazy girl wants so badly!
I often felt badly for her inner unhappiness and tried to always cater to her emotions which kept things calm and allowed me my freedoms. She was my biggest cheerleader and often told me how wonderful i was, especially when I had my son. I could always count on an ego boost from our daily phone conversations. I guess I never longed for anything different from our relationship….it was what it was.
Thanks Rosellen. You know – I think we all had a different mother in the same woman. I’ve also heard from Beth & Elaine – privately.
Joyce, love this blog…each story touches my heart in some manner.
I lost my mother when she was 56 and I was 29…she was a wonderful mother and my memories are only good ones. I made a deliberate choice to communicate with her over all these years. Through staying connected to who I knew her to be, what she stood for and against…I have been blessed with a sense of closeness that is very real to me.
One thing has stayed upfront in my thoughts since the day she passed over…I recall thinking ‘I am now the mother.’ and so I became, the mother to my younger siblings and to myself. I often feel I have become who she would have become…and sometimes I wonder if I am ‘me’ or my mother 🙂
A more direct answer to your question…my relationship to my mother is powerful–a connection of the heart and mind .
Bea Rigsby-Kunz
A daughter, a mother, a grand-mother~
I am blessed~
Beautiful Bea, thank you. You know, I inherited my mother’s engagement ring. As a kid I always asked to wear it when we were driving somewhere. And occasionally, around the house, when she was upstairs, I’d sneak it out of the dining room drawer where she kept it, put it on my finger and stand in front of the window so I could see the light dance all around the room. I loved that ring and she knew it. Today – whenever I go somewhere I think my mother would enjoy, I wear it and “take her” with me. I feel connected to her too. In fact I’ve always felt connected to her – as a child and young adult, not always in a positive way – but today in a much more peaceful way.
Another awesome blog. It’s funny that you wrote about this bc it’s been coming up a lot for me lately, that is the relationship between my mom and I.
I will tell you that my mom is my BIGGEST supporter & encourager. She taught me that I could do ANYTHING I wanted with this life. And I am one of only a couple of my friends that doesn’t constantly struggle with their appearance and not feeling good enough. My mom always told me how beautiful I am, how talented I am, etc. Although I do have my days, like most women where you feel less than beautiful or “not good enough,” those days are very few. Sometimes I worry that I come off too confident (not really (-;).
Lately I have worried about how codependent we both are and how much healthier our relationship could be. So I am working on that.
My mom is my best friend, I love her more than anything in this world. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her in it. She on the other hand is the complete opposite than me. She struggles daily with her appearance, her worth, etc. Sometimes I get aggravated bc I feel like I am constantly having to encourage her and I want her to find her inner strength. She is 67 (but looks 50) and she IS beautiful and strong. My mom would be so embarrassed by this, but for example she will call me to ask my opinion on what type of bread to buy. She doesn’t believe in herself at all and it breaks my heart. I recently bought her a necklace that she wears everyday that says “Believe You are Beautiful.” She is my hero in so many ways and my rock. I am so thankful & blessed to have her as MY mom. I hope one day she will truly believe how beautiful she is both inside & out.
Thanks for allowing me to dig a little deeper.
Love YOU Joycey!
XOXO
I’ve always loved your confidence Anna – it’s one of your defining characteristics. And I can tell your mother thinks you hung the moon and it’s wonderful that she raised you to feel the same way. Unfortunately she didn’t allow those words to rub off on herself. It’s wonderful how close you 2 are – a relationship I’ve never known. See you later today!