We say yes, he insists no. What’s a child to do?
Right now my 89 year old father is in a rehab unit hoping to re-gain the strength of his body. His legs don’t work that well anymore, particularly his left leg that’s grown weaker in the 20 years following his stroke. The same is true of his arms; the right does the lion’s share of work while the left hangs limp at his side. He desperately wants to return home where he was about a month ago before this current crisis took place. There he was able to move ever so slowly using his walker and also to perform the daily rituals of living. Now he can’t get in or out of bed by himself, bathing and dressing himself is impossible and he requires the help of an aid to move even more slowly and unsteadily in his walker for yet shorter distances than before. And yet he’s convinced himself that he’ll get strong enough to go home and continue life as before. It doesn’t look promising, though he is improving.
The food there is good; we’ve tasted a bit of all his meals as they’re delivered. He’s receiving excellent care, has a private room and is in a very cheerful, bright community of people with a similar cultural background as his. He’s been accepted into their long term care household which is where we want him to live. He refuses, complaining about the regimented lifestyle and business-like attitude of some of the nurses and aids. They have schedules to adhere to regardless of whether he agrees. He likens it to life in the military some 70 years ago and says he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.
We’re in a stalemate. Once his physical therapy is finished we’ll have to make a decision. What do we use as our guide? Our judgement, as his children, about what’s best for him? Or his emotional insistence on the way he wants to live out the rest of his life?
Based on history, we think that if he goes home he’ll “fire” the aids after a short period of time because he thinks they’re no longer necessary. It’s happened before. He hates spending the money; he considers it wasteful. He wants to die with his money intact “just in case.” “Just in case” what? we probe. “I don’t know” is the answer. He can’t grasp the idea that NOW is the” just in case” he’s been saving for.
Life at home consists of sitting solitary in a room and watching TV all day. His only company is my sister when she returns from work and my other sister when she visits. On many Thursdays he hobbles to his car and drives to meet his buddies for lunch at the nearby deli. He shouldn’t, but he does. I doubt he’ll be cleared by a doctor to continue driving. He’s convinced we’re wrong. He must keep his car.
When I was a kid I went to hebrew school and took piano lessons because my parents insisted they were beneficial. I disagreed. It didn’t matter. I went and I practiced — for years. And years. And years. Now, as an adult, I’m a richer person for the experiences.
He doesn’t see the analogy. He sees himself as the parent who knows best. We disagree. Who wins? And at what cost?
What do you say? What would you do?
actthreedotnet 