We say yes, he insists no. What’s a child to do?
Right now my 89 year old father is in a rehab unit hoping to re-gain the strength of his body. His legs don’t work that well anymore, particularly his left leg that’s grown weaker in the 20 years following his stroke. The same is true of his arms; the right does the lion’s share of work while the left hangs limp at his side. He desperately wants to return home where he was about a month ago before this current crisis took place. There he was able to move ever so slowly using his walker and also to perform the daily rituals of living. Now he can’t get in or out of bed by himself, bathing and dressing himself is impossible and he requires the help of an aid to move even more slowly and unsteadily in his walker for yet shorter distances than before. And yet he’s convinced himself that he’ll get strong enough to go home and continue life as before. It doesn’t look promising, though he is improving.
The food there is good; we’ve tasted a bit of all his meals as they’re delivered. He’s receiving excellent care, has a private room and is in a very cheerful, bright community of people with a similar cultural background as his. He’s been accepted into their long term care household which is where we want him to live. He refuses, complaining about the regimented lifestyle and business-like attitude of some of the nurses and aids. They have schedules to adhere to regardless of whether he agrees. He likens it to life in the military some 70 years ago and says he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.
We’re in a stalemate. Once his physical therapy is finished we’ll have to make a decision. What do we use as our guide? Our judgement, as his children, about what’s best for him? Or his emotional insistence on the way he wants to live out the rest of his life?
Based on history, we think that if he goes home he’ll “fire” the aids after a short period of time because he thinks they’re no longer necessary. It’s happened before. He hates spending the money; he considers it wasteful. He wants to die with his money intact “just in case.” “Just in case” what? we probe. “I don’t know” is the answer. He can’t grasp the idea that NOW is the” just in case” he’s been saving for.
Life at home consists of sitting solitary in a room and watching TV all day. His only company is my sister when she returns from work and my other sister when she visits. On many Thursdays he hobbles to his car and drives to meet his buddies for lunch at the nearby deli. He shouldn’t, but he does. I doubt he’ll be cleared by a doctor to continue driving. He’s convinced we’re wrong. He must keep his car.
When I was a kid I went to hebrew school and took piano lessons because my parents insisted they were beneficial. I disagreed. It didn’t matter. I went and I practiced — for years. And years. And years. Now, as an adult, I’m a richer person for the experiences.
He doesn’t see the analogy. He sees himself as the parent who knows best. We disagree. Who wins? And at what cost?
What do you say? What would you do?
actthreedotnet 
I don’t know, Joyce. If he is able to live at home let him keep doing it until he really can’t. As hard as that is on you and your sisters…
How horrible. If he did live at home, what’s the worst-case scenario (assuming you take away his car)? Even if he ate poorly, got depressed, fired his aides, and died alone, it might still be better than being forced into a home. Assuming you took away his keys and adopted a stiff upper lip as to the rest of it, might that work?
Maybe tell him he has to agree to X, Y and Z or you won’t support his choice to move home (whatever that means. Cook up some consequences). He sounds like he has his marbles, but he’s in denial because the choice is so awful.
My own dad would have gone home, fired the aides, cut off communication with us kids, and drank himself to death. But first he would have broken my mother’s spine and spirit, demanding she work at his home health aide. It was heading that way, but luckily (and I mean that in the full sense of the word), he died of a stroke soon after the first significant signs of decline.
I am so sorry for you, and for your Dad. How sad for both of you.
I believe my father will be equally as hard on my sister with whom he’s been living for more than 3 years.
We’re taking this day by day.
There is no good, no right answer. Your father is fortunate to have you all. When I was in this situation, the only feeble solution was to go home from the home (or hospital), look in the mirror and tell myself that I was doing a good job. Let us all take a lesson from Joyce’s situation and promise that right now we develop a plan and cooperate with our children as we switch roles in the years ahead. It is rough, but at times there are great blessings.
Maria, I’m sure you’ve been talking to my sister who’s getting the brunt of this situation.
Thanks a lot Marie. Living through this experience with my father I’ve already made that promise to myself.
I moved away from my main group of friends a nubmer of years ago because of work, and our lives have all taken many twists and turns since such that we have all found maintaining our friendships at their previous level difficult. I still miss these friends and though I have made others, these friendships do not seem to have the same depth and it is not just because they are newer. As I get older, I find that people seem to have less time and energy for friendship among the competing demands of work and family, and I find this sad although I am guilty of it also. When I moved here, I also met some people who I felt offered potential as friends, but they seemed to already have as many friends as they could cope with and were not really interested in including any more. I would do anything to help my friends, but I could not say the same of all of them. However, one of the pleasures of getting older is that one gets more philosophical about peoples’ capabilities and alters expectations accordingly. My husband remains my best friend and our relationship compensates much for any perceived shortcomings of others. I have also had the enjoyment of forging much better relationships with siblings and some relatives as we have all “grown up” a bit.
Though my parents are in better shape than I, I can relate. Its hard to know what’s best for someone you love… and then watch them continue to make the wrong decisions.
I think the most important thing to remember is that you’re coming from a place of love, but in the end its his decision. Remind him of your intentions, talk to him about your concerns. Paint the picture of your point of view, what your fears are, and ultimately your preferences. He has been making his own decisions for way too long to take those choices away. Ultimatums are never a good idea, but make sure you don’t beat around the bush about your wishes.